ver⋅bose   /vərˈboʊs/
–adjective characterized by the use of many or too many words; wordy

mo⋅rose   /məˈroʊs/
–adjective 1. gloomily or sullenly ill-humored, as a person or mood. 2. characterized by or expressing gloom.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

i wrote this a good number of years ago

for my zine, Fun in the Dark. i updated it a bit for the times.



1. Get a celebrity endorsement

Hey, even Hollywood has to pray! Just ask Mel Gibson, Madonna or Lindsay. Can’t get celebrities of this quality? Simply seek out any (or all) bad sitcom actors from the 80’s and 90’s. What, do you think Boner Stabone has something better to do on Sundays? Blossom? That robot girl from Small Wonder? All of these actors are starving for a comeback, and somehow I think you have their starring role. If not, I’m pretty sure Amy Winehouse would do it for an eightball.

2. Find a prayerful place

Try your parent’s garage. The internet. An abandoned army bunker. Wherever or whatever the place, you need a venue where your huddled masses can gather. Chill, pray, barbecue, whatever.

3. Create a holy-rollin’ slogan

Try one of these if you cannot think of your own:
“Higher power, Hipper people,” “Practice what WE preach,” Come for the prayers, stay for the wafers,” or “Less work than Mormonism!”

4. Get exiled from your own country

If the Dalai Lama can do it, so can you! Lama’s got a huge following all over the world. If this proves too difficult, becoming an expatriate can also work (it makes you seem mysterious and your religion exclusive.)

5. Make beautiful music

Remember all of those Free Tibet concerts from years past? No one even knew what Tibet was until the Beastie Boys told them. Find some hot heartthrob musician(s) to sing your word and the parishioners will appear in droves.

6. Have faith in your clothing choice

Monks have their robes. Nuns have their habits. You have your… American Apparel hot shorts? Whatever you choose, make sure your clothes fit the faith. People in your flock will be flocking to dress like you!

7. Avoid losing your religion

Remember, it can take years or even centuries for a new religion to catch on. Don’t be discouraged. Few believed Jesus at first, either.

* and by "religion," I may or may not mean "cult"

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